What a difference

What a difference a day makes!
After my crying and typing, I decided to take a shower.
First off, that's a big deal for me. Self care, baby!
As I was drying off I had an epiphany. Or a spiritual impression. Whichever being you want to accredit such phenomena: yourself or the Holy Spirit. Either way, it hit me: what if my feelings have nothing to do with two years ago? What if it's just like that because that's what my body knows and it's trying to tell me something else? Something more forward thinking? Something more in the now?
What if my inner self is trying to tell my outer self that I need these friends now?
That's it. I feel it in my bones. A manifestation of the truth. I was triggered and reliving past emotions because my soul was crying out to be comforted in the here and now. It wasn't just rehashing to drive me crazy-though, in that it was definitely succeeding. It was rehashing because I want those same friends that wouldn't/couldn't be there for me two years ago to be there for me now.
So I texted one of my friends that were on my hurt mind and invited myself to her house. (More or less.)
It was wonderful. And strange. Strange because I know I'm depressed and hurting and my MO is to isolate myself. And though I acknowledge that I need a certain amount of isolation to heal and deal, I also need a sense of grounding and normalcy:connection. I need to be reminded that though my trials are for me alone, I am not alone. I am loved. I am someone. I matter to others. They want me to be ok. They don't only want me when I am ok. They want me when I'm real.
That's a beautiful thing.
So this morning I'm feeling much more hopeful. Eventhough after a while of visiting yesterday I wanted to be alone again and took leave, I wasn't alone for a while. And I spent time with someone that does calm my aching heart.
The bittnerness and resentment feel as if they were never here.
It wasn't bitterness and resentment, but it was loneliness and isolation.
That's pretty deep.
I'm grateful for therapy.  I know it has greatly affected how I deal, how I process things, how I work a problem.
With this experience, though, I'm realizing that my surface emotions don't necessarily tell the whole story. I'm grateful.